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Dear "Scientific American" editor,

I must say that I’m really getting tired of this flap over special creation, intelligent design, and evolution of species. Darned right, I designed humans, using my own form as the pattern, and, having only a bunch of rat-like creatures to work with after the dinosaurs were killed off, I had to do a lot of prodding of evolution to get something that looked and functioned more or less like I do.

I believe that I’ll argue about any intelligence in the design because if I had known that humans would be squabbling and fighting continuously and generally messing up the world, I would have aimed for something a bit different as the pinnacle of creation–perhaps frogs. They seldom quarrel, don’t often bother other creatures except eating those darned mosquitoes (I don’t believe that I can be blamed for them!), and their petitions to me are a lot more soothing than the whining complaints from humans. As to the perfection of design of the human body, well, I doubt that it works any better than mine, and I certainly have my share of back pain, pollen allergies, and a bladder that wakes me up just when I’m snoozing best. Oh, and I believe that I’ve already alluded to a thin skin not protecting against painful mosquito bites, not to mention no protection against saw briars that really hurt up to the time that I learned how to make shoes. Sure, I’ll put my IQ up against that of any human, but that’s not much over which to gloat.

And sex, that’s another area in which I’d invest extra effort in the design of humans if I had it to do over. But what did I know! I’m not a sexual creature myself, or, maybe, you can say that I’m a whole sexual creature who has in a single body all the aspects of male and female that I need for inner peace. And, to be fair to myself, I worked with what I found. Those rat-like creatures were male and female, and, in my innocence, I didn’t realize that a degree of intelligence was not sufficient to overcome being only a half not a whole.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. What you humans don’t seem to realize is that you are my first creation and that first efforts are often not completely successful. Oh well, I’ll do better next time.


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